Goodbye for now, Connor

Today was the funeral of our nephew Connor. I wish I could have been at the service--I really wanted to be present to mourn together with my sister-in-law Crissy and her daughter Aubrey. It must have been a difficult day for them. Thankfully, Forest was able to fly out on his own so he could be there representing our little side of the family. He also had the opportunity to dedicate Connor's grave before his body was laid to rest.

When I think of Connor I think of two things. The first thing I think of is pain. Connor suffered from an undiagnosed degenerative brain disease that gradually robbed him of physical function during his short six years of life. Ever since seeing him as a baby, I remember him always struggling and fighting against pain and discomfort.

The second thing I think of is love. Despite the tremendous suffering he experienced, he hardly ever left the loving arms of his mother, who talked to him in the sweetest, most patient voice and was forever stealing kisses from his beautiful blue-eyed face. His older sister was also always close by, holding his hand and giving him hugs. There is no doubt that he knew he was loved. And that he filled other people's hearts with love.

He may have never walked or talked in this life, but I am certain he fulfilled his earthly mission in the most valiant manner possible--he accepted his pain-stricken body with humility and grace, and helped show people what love can truly be. Thank you, Connor, for your time with us . . . and goodbye for now.

Link to Connor's obituary here

Welcome Paula

Dear Paula, 

    Here is a little story about how you joined our family. I hope you can read it someday and that it makes you feel loved, because you truly are.

   It was a Friday night--your "due date," in fact, and I was looking at the ends of my hair and thinking how dry they looked. I decided to put some mayonnaise on it, since I heard this was a legitimate remedy, and was rubbing it in when your dad came in the bathroom asking if I could come down to the basement and help him with one of his projects. He of course made fun of me for putting foodstuffs in my hair, but I still went down to help him anyway. 

   Afterward I was upstairs straightening things in the bedroom when I felt a familiar sensation in my belly where you were residing at the time--it reminded me of the early contractions I had with previous pregnancies. That made me think of one nurse's advice after the very speedy delivery of Mika: "If you ever have any more babies, you should come to the hospital as soon as you feel that first contraction."

    Then I remembered I still had mayonnaise in my hair. 

    I hopped in the shower to wash it out and dressed quickly, wondering if it really was hospital time or if wishful thinking had just caused me to imagine that contraction, it being my due date and all.

    But I kept having the same sensations, and as short and erratic and "not textbook" they were, there was something urgent about them so I finally told your dad a little after 10pm. Soon after, we were driving to the hospital, grateful my parents could be home with Ramona and Mika (although we didn't bother to wake them and tell them where we were going).

    At the hospital, the nurses did not seem to think you were in much of a hurry to come out. I was told to go for a walk right there on the labor and delivery floor, and that they would come in and check on me at about 2am.

    Well, you were out at 1:17am. I'm sure most of the building heard when it happened--I was howling like Tarzan as you made your descent, and by the time it was push-time I was vocalizing more like a maniacal Jane.

"Look, Ivy," I heard your dad say to me, pulling me out of labor-mode and into that beautiful moment of renewed motherhood. I opened my eyes and saw your perfect, purplish, 7 lb, 9 oz body emerge, and sighed with joy and relief. The doctor (who had arrived at about 1:15, giving him just enough time to pull some gloves on) handed you right to me and I got to hold you there on my chest and look you over, still in amazement at what had just occurred.

Your daddy got to hold you eventually as well--he is one proud papa.

 

 Here you are when I saw your eyes open for the first time:

And here you are again:

 

 

When the sun came up that morning--the first day of winter--a shimmering layer of frost had settled on the grass, trees and roofs, as if to welcome the new season.

Jii, Baachan, Ramona, and Mika came to meet you for the first time and helped you open your birthday presents. 

Below is a mommy-daughter portrait Baachan took of us. I am pretty sure I have my hospital gown on sideways, but at least there is no mayonnaise in my hair.

And here is an attempt at a family portrait before visiting time was over:

I was so happy to have our family all together for a while--but I also really enjoyed getting some exclusive Mommy + Paula time in the hospital room during our stay. You are such a delightful, cuddly little baby.

We also squeezed in some Mommy + Daddy + Paula time that evening, celebrating your birth with hospital dining at its finest (really, it was the best hospital food I've had).

 

 

You were scheduled to come home from the hospital on Sunday afternoon, but feeling that was too long to wait, Ramona and Mika requested another visit in the morning to come and see you again. They each got to hold you for the first time.

 

 

 

 

It's obvious that they are both so pleased to have you as their new little sister.

They were practically bouncing down the halls toward the elevator when it was finally time to strap you in your car seat and bring you home.

 

At home, your bassinet was awaiting your arrival, adorned with pink paper chains and pictures (thanks to Baachan and Ramona).

You haven't been with us long, but already you seem to fit right in. We hope you stay for a long, long time.

We love you, Paula Naomi!

Love,
Your Mommy

Staying home for the holidays

As one might suppose, we have no plans for traveling this holiday season. In fact, with the baby due any day now, we've made very few plans at all--our schedule has been almost completely clear. But I did sign up at the last minute to play some Christmas music for a mini-concert at Respite Care last Saturday. One kid was so excited to see my cello, he came right up and practically stole my bow from me.

Otherwise, we've just been home--accepting visitors from Illinois! My parents flew in on Sunday night and have been immediately put to work (and play) between my final nesting projects and the girls' demands for attention.

Jii helped the girls put together some miniature snowmen, scraping together what snow remained from the little storm more than a week ago.

 

 

  

He also helped me wash the minivan and clean out the entire garage.

On Monday night, we gathered together in the music room to play Christmas carols for family home evening. 

 

Ramona performed Jingle Bells again, and also Silent Night.

 

Baachan and Ramona have been busy making little paper crafts to decorate the dining room wall.

 

Tuesday evening, Paca stopped by on his way to Utah. He is going to help out as Connor recovers from his tracheotomy. It was a short visit, but the girls made the most of it and climbed all over him.

 

 

 

 

 

We finished off the night with some egg nog ice cream and strawberry ice cream.

The next day was cousin Connor's sixth birthday--sadly spent at the hospital in lots of pain. Here is the most recent picture of him Crissy has posted, the day before the trach went in. We are praying that he gets some relief soon.

The same day was also Jii's sixtieth birthday. He didn't exactly get the party of the century, but we did a few little things to celebrate. Hopefully he had a good day.

Mika entertained him with PEZ dispensers and puppets while Ramona was at preschool . . .

 

 . . . and the weather was so nice, we all made a trip to the neighborhood park after lunch.

 

 

Ramona helped me make a chocolate cake for him . . .

. . . which we ate after dinner, popcorn, and a movie (Jii chose "The Fox and the Hound").

Happy Birthday, Jii! We love you.

 

Today was Ramona's preschool Christmas party. With no imminent labor signs, (and free childcare for Mika) I was able to go and spend some time with my little big girl.

At the party, she made a bag of reindeer food and a Santa face, decorated a sugar cookie, and played some snowman games.

At the end of the party, the kids donned some elf hats and put on an epic performance of "Jingle Bells."

Now we are on break from preschool until January, and just get to enjoy one day at a time as the season unfolds. Life is good here at the Dixon home--baby Paula, you really should come and join us!