Fake it until you shake your fear, then make some music for all to hear

 

On Friday Forest came home from work with a bouquet of flowers. "What is this for?" I asked. "For making it into your orchestra," he replied with a smile.

The day before I had auditioned for a community group called the Loveland Orchestra, and they had let me stay for their rehearsal that evening. It was their first rehearsal in preparation for an all-Mozart concert on the composer's birthday (the way UISO used to do as well). I was sitting in the first stand, filling the seat of a cellist who was out of the country for this concert. A few years ago I would have been terrified to play right under the conductor's nose and next to the section principal--but that night it felt more like a privilege and a thrill.

Warning: Partial life story to follow. Read at your own discretion.

In 2003 I arrived at the University of Illinois with my cello as a severely unprepared freshman music major--but I was prepared in one thing: my orchestra audition excerpts. I had taken lessons from Greg Hamilton at ISU that summer, (after deciding to major in music almost on a whim) and rather than spending time catching me up on my technique or delving into repertoire, he decided to focus on preparing me for my ensemble audition, required of all instrumental music majors. This seems a little absurd, even looking back on the experience now. I didn't know my scales well enough, my left hand technique was a mess, I could only read alternate clefs with careful thought, I barely knew thumb position, and my sight reading skills were awful. With all these outstanding shortcomings, his main concern seemed to be making sure I had a successful orchestra audition, which I didn't understand, but went along with his instruction anyway. I listened to a recording specifically coaching cellists on common orchestral excerpts. I spent hours practicing those short excerpts that summer, and very little else. I did mock auditions for Professor Hamilton as he drew my attention to every detail of those little excerpts.

So, when I walked into Donald Schleicher's office, cello in hand, for my blind audition, I was more prepared than I realized. I played the requested excerpts as best as I could, hoping to have achieved at least a mediocre score. When I went to check the audition results on the music building's bulletin board, a few days later, my jaw must have dropped--I had been placed in the top orchestra on campus, UI Symphony Orchestra. I think even Professor Hamilton was surprised, when I told him, but he said "Well, it'll be good for you." When I went to the first orchestra rehearsal, the expected musicianship level was clearly beyond anything I'd previously experienced. The conductor, Professor Schleicher, was not the laid-back, forgiving orchestra teacher figure I had looked to in the past, but a stern, demanding maetro whose glance conveyed some type of musical omniscience that instilled fear in every musician under his direction. I wondered if there must have been some mistake in the audition process--there were, after all, plenty of music majors in the Philharmonia Orchestra--even performance majors. What was a little freshman music ed major, with my limited ability, doing in this group? Sure, I could learn some snippets of tricky music if you gave me a teacher and an entire summer, but the whole Shostakovich 12 symphony and more, on my own, in a month? I wanted to jump into my cello case and hide. And that was the way I felt during orchestra rehearsals the rest of my freshman year.

January 2005, sophomore year

But gradually, something must have happened during my undergraduate years that changed my attitude toward orchestra. My senior year, UISO had the opportunity to play Shotakovich 12 again, but this time at Symphony Hall in Chicago. As we rehearsed the music for this venue, I was flooded with memories of my freshman year. And I recognized that I wasn't exactly the same cellist anymore. Rather than feeling overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy, being gripped by the fear of playing a wrong note, and just wanting the piece to be over, I felt a genuine sense of enjoyment from playing. I wasn't faking it anymore--I was actually making a small contribution to the orchestra's performance, and loving it.

Two years later, after completing my student teaching and starting my master's program in music education, I actually opted to take orchestra although it was no longer a requirement. I remember sitting in UISO rehearsals that semester, feeling a little nauseous from the new baby in my belly, but savoring the whole experience of being in orchestra again. I remember wondering if motherhood would ever allow me to play in an orchestra again someday.

Two babies and two moves later, I've found my way into an orchestra again--one I can hopefully belong to for a while. More than anything, I feel grateful--grateful to my parents for buying me a cello at age 14. Grateful for the patience my teachers and mentors have had with me as I've gone from fearing music to embracing it. Grateful to my husband and children for giving me the time to hold on to my cello, even for just a few minutes a day. Grateful to to have music in my life--because it is more than just a hobby for me--it is an element that adds an entire dimension of richness to my existence. Thank you, God, for the gift of music. And thank you for ten fingers to play the cello.

Twelve Days of Christmas: Days 7-12

 Day Seven: Forest and I went to Brighton Ski Resort for my first experience on the slopes. We each took a lesson at our respective ability level in the morning, then after lunch spent the rest of the afternoon on the bunny slope for my sake.

 By the end I was actually kind of having fun--but it was so crowded that day, I was constantly worried I would run into someone. Did it ever happen? Thankfully, no. Even if it had, though, it still would have been worth the little break from our girls and the chance to try something new.

 That night Maria and Josh hosted everyone for dinner again since it was Paca's last night in Utah. Thank you, Paca, for flying out and being our Papai Noel (Father Christmas).

 Day Eight: We took Paca to the airport and then spent the rest of the day at Crissy's house to let the cousins play.

Connor let Mika borrow his jingle bells

Aubrey, Connor, Ramona

Uncle Josh with the babies

Day Nine: Drove down to Spanish Fork to visit my Grandma and give her some time with her great-granddaughters

Mika got a good nap on the guest bed

Ramona got a good portion of Uncle Clyde's colorful sherbet

 

I loved hearing Grandma's stories about raising five boys. Perhaps now that I have my own children I have an even deeper appreciation for the work she did with so few of the modern conveniences we enjoy today.

Day Ten: Drove down to Riverton to see my Aunt June, Uncle Merrill, and Cousin Janette's family

June and Mika

Joe + Tyler, their nurse Sara

                              

T.J., Tyler, Josie + Mika, Ramona

Janette, T.J., Tyler, Josie + Mika, Ramona, me

In the afternoon we went back to Crissy's for one last visit

Aubrey kisses Mika goodbye

That night we cooked dinner with Maria and Josh. Between crying babies and Ramona demanding our attention, it felt kind of like a relay race in the kitchen. We were amazed that dinner turned out at all. But when it was time to sit down and eat, both babies were fast asleep. I'm not sure they intentionally napped simultaneously, but thanks, kids, for giving us a moment of peace and quiet our last evening in SLC!

Later, after a movie, we loaded up the minivan to the sound of fireworks ringing in the new year.

Day Eleven: Went to church for about half an hour, then strapped the kids in the car and began the trek back to Colorado

Day Twelve: Mostly laundry, unpacking, and boxing up Christmas decor, but found some time to enjoy the nice weather with a trip to the park

Overall I was very pleased with the twelve days of Christmas my true love gave to me. Happy Holidays!

Twelve Days of Christmas: Days 1-6

Including holidays and sick days that needed to be used up, Forest got a total of 12 consecutive days off work between Christmas and New Years, which we used to be together and visit many family members and friends. I will call them our 12 days of Christmas.

Day One: Spent the day at our home in Colorado, where we ate our traditional angel food cake french toast and exchanged gifts.

After breakfast and gifts, it was time to shovel several inches of snow from the driveway. Daddy and Ramona took charge.

Day Two: Loaded up the minivan and drove to Salt Lake City, Utah, where we stayed with Forest's sister Maria, her husband Josh, and baby Caleb. Mika and Caleb are only a month apart, so we were excited to get the cousins together. Caleb was very nice about sharing his toys. Day Three (Christmas Eve): We got to see my friend and old roommate, Tina. I was a little worried she wouldn't give me my baby back before she went home, but she did, eventually.

In the afternoon we took Ramona to the park, but she was more interested in the bleachers than the playground

Day Four (Christmas Day): Mika's very first Christmas Ramona opened Caleb's gifts for him...and pretty much everyone else's gifts, too. After lunch it was time to get dressed up for church. All the grandkids had matching outfits picked out by Teresa.Perhaps because of all the excitement of Christmas morning, Ramona was tired out and fell asleep on the car ride there We attempted a photo shoot at Crissy's house after church It was a lot harder to photograph five grandkids + Paca than one might think. Despite our efforts to appease the babies, neither of them were particularly happy by the time cameras started clicking. Mika was yelling through the entire photo shoot, Caleb started crying, Aubrey had her hand in her mouth most of the time, and Ramona looked completely dazed. Josh started doing jumping jacks and singing behind Maria's camera, trying to get everyone to look in the same direction, making for a scene that was so unruly, it was comical. Meanwhile, Connor slept through the whole raucous event.

I think this is my favorite photo of the girls in their dresses--never mind that Ramona is wearing a blue hair extension.

Thank you, Maria and Crissy, for sharing your photos and homes with us

Once the photo shoot was over and Sunday clothes switched out for play clothes, Ramona piled on some dress-up clothes, courtesy of Aubrey. There were a few pouty moments . . . . . . but for the most part the cousins played really well together. Christmas dinner was hosted by Josh & Maria. Back at their house, Mika got some good cuddle time with Aunt Crissy. After dinner, we attempted to create some "calm-down time" by setting the two rambunctious cousins in front of a movie downstairs. Paca went down to join them and feed them some egg nog ice cream. Seeing the kids were all settled, I sat down with my cello to play some Christmas music. Soon Aubrey crept over to listen and make some requests: Jingle Bells and Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It was a wonderful day and the kids seemed to really enjoy themselves, but many of us were left feeling thoroughly worn out. Ramona, on the other hand, was completely wound up with Christmas spirit, and it took FOREVER to get her to bed that night.  

Day Five: Ramona started off the day helping her Uncle Josh with his bike rack . . .

 

. . . then got more playtime with her cousin at the park (this time at the playground and not just the bleachers).

 

And Paca got another good grandbaby fix that afternoon before going back to Crissy's house

In the evening, Forest and I took our girls to see the lights on Temple Square

This is what Christmas is all about

  Day Six: Paca took Aubrey and Ramona to his father's old farm in Jerome, ID where they got to play with even more cousins . . . . . . ride horses . . . . . . and feed them, too.
 Ramona must have wondered if the fun would ever end.